Self-care in Raw Deal Relationships

I got a raw deal this week, and man, did it throw me off my groove! I ordered some herbs in the mail, and when they arrived, the package size was inordinately small for the amount of money I paid. I paid for 16oz of herbs, and when I weighed the jar, it was only 4 ounces. Upon contacting the seller, she politely informed me that the weight of the herbs wasn’t what was sold; she had advertised the size of the container for that price. Lo and behold, way at the bottom of the listing, it did say that the 16oz represented the size of the container. It felt misleading and a little deceptive, but in fact, it was a literal description. I basically received a jar of feathers instead of the pound of heavy rocks I ordered.

We all learn from life, and sometimes our “bargains” are not really bargains. However, our thought choice makes a big difference in the emotional charge we feel, and what we do with our thoughts really matters.

As creators, we have full decision-making power over our thoughts and our responses. What do you do with a raw deal in a relationship? Expecting a big container and getting something tiny?

Let’s experiment with the STEER* model to run through a couple of solutions*. The Steer acronym works like this:

S: Situation. What are the clear facts?

T: Thought. Did I choose to create a story about the facts?

E: Emotion. What feelings did I create with my story?

E: Experience. What happened because of those feelings?

R: Result. Was it a happy ending?

In my scenario with the herbs, here’s what happened in STEER terms:

S Situation: I received a pint jar of herbs in the mail.

T Thought: That’s not 16 ounces! It’s only ¼ sized. I ordered a big jar. I’ve been gypped!

E- Emotion that thought created: Indignant Anger

E- Experience: I’m distracted, discontented, and looking for a fight.

R Result: I’m off my game at work; my peace has suffered, and my family may well experience my anger. That won’t be pretty, poor hubby!

The Creator-based® Way:

I choose to STEER my ship to calmer waters and create peace.

S: Situation: I received a pint jar of herbs in the mail.

T: Thought: That’s smaller than I thought it would be. I wonder what’s up.

E: Emotion: Curiosity

E: Experience: Respectful contact with the seller to inquire.

R: Result: A learning opportunity- I will slow down and be more detail-oriented in my purchases. (Also, a new set of thoughts to work on about not getting my way. Yes, I can really be a cranky 6-year-old sometimes.)

We are truly the creator of our life experiences. We can choose in any given situation, what our thought will be and curate a response. It takes practice, and it’s worth it!

 Good thinking = Great Self-care.

All my love,



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*The STEER model was created in 1957 by psychologist A. Ellis and is shared in his paper for the Journal of Individual Psychology ‘Rational Psychotherapy and Psychology’.


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